Realizations, ignorance, and Kissing Jessica Stein

I was watching Kissing Jessica Stein with my mom earlier, because she’d never seen it. And my dad walked in the room and asked me what it was about…

When I told him, he basically went on a rant and refused to be in the room while the movie was on. Then he went on a rant about how I had better “not be hanging around with any gay kids” in college. He says “gay” with as much venom as other people might say “child molester”.

It’s hard to listen to someone you love and respect basically go off about something that matters to you. Like… my parents don’t know that I’m not straight. And I don’t think I can ever tell them. Ever.

It kinda scares me.
What happens when I’m older?
What’s going to happen if I get married? Would they refuse to go to the wedding? What if I have a child? Would they refuse to acknowledge or have a relationship with it because of my lifestyle? Let’s say that the love of my life turns out to be a girl. What then?

I grew up in a household where “gay” was considered a bad word. If I said the word gay, I would be reprimanded.
And that’s just saying the word.
I remember being in preschool and playing with a friend, and I guess we were pretending we were Sailor Moon and Tuxedo Mask and I was always the boy. And I guess I kissed her or something? Maybe we were just holding hands. Regardless, my mom saw us and took me to the other room and yelled at me, told me it was sinful and wrong and bad and that if I ever even thought of doing it again I’d be punished. Because God hates gay people, so I had better not be one.

That’s what I grew up with engrained into my brain.

Throughout my early years of school, I thought something was wrong with me. I forced myself to “try and be normal”. I have probably had more heterosexual experiences than most straight girls. I kept thinking, this time it’ll work. This time I’ll feel something. I can honestly say I have had feelings for a member of the opposite sex exactly one time in my life, and that relationship was a train wreck of emotional abuse. Every other time, nothing.

I’ll like someone, sure. I can like someone just fine. It’s just different. I can literally tell a difference in the feelings I get when I think I have a crush on a boy, and the feelings I get when I like a girl. You just know.

And when people say that it’s unnatural to have feelings for someone of the same sex, I can’t get behind that. If love is a chemical reaction in the brain, WHAT IS UNNATURAL ABOUT IT? I can’t control my chemical makeup. To anyone who says that people “choose” to be homosexual and can stop… you are ignorant and perpetuating the idea that we’re doing something wrong. I’m not doing ANYTHING wrong. I’m not hurting anyone, I’m not out killing puppies and vandalizing houses and pillaging villages or whatever you think I’m doing. I’m just predisposed to be attracted to women. How would YOU like it if someone just blatantly came up to you and told you you were an assignation against God and humanity and it’s your fault? Wouldn’t be pleasant, would it. Nope. Thought so.

I am not defined by my sexuality. I am myself. It’s a part of me, sure. Just like how I have brown eyes. It doesn’t change, it’s there, but it’s just one component of my life. I don’t like when people try to label you, and make one part of you define who you are, and put you in a little box where they can judge you. You aren’t yourself anymore, people begin to refer to you as The Lesbian. Never mind the fact that you’re a unique human being with thoughts and feelings.
I’m not ashamed of what I am or how I feel. I am, however, more than just a label. I’m a person. Sure, I like girls, but I like a lot of things. I like music, I like dancing, I like movies, I like shopping, I like animals, I like being silly and hanging out with friends. I’m just a person. Who I like does not define me. So hating me for it is ridiculous. That’s like hating someone for having brown eyes, or red hair. But some people don’t understand that. And it’s sad.

  1. tbhcat posted this